More Worthless Garbage

     For some time after high school, I had it in my head to launch a sketch comedy show of sorts called “To Be Announced.” I initially imagined it featuring myself (accurately depicted as a socially awkward control freak, forcing his friends to make comedy sketches with him), my friends Alan (playing Bugs Bunny to my Daffy Duck) and Zac (the standard child-in-a-man’s-body), and anyone else I could drag into it. When I realized no one around me would actually enjoy such a thing, I started conceiving of other ways to do it. Puppets? Animation? Playing all the characters myself with a green screen? Obviously, I ultimately gave up on it.
     Part of the problem was that, with no one else showing the slightest interest, I rarely bothered to sit down and write the thing. The following is one of these attempts.  This episode was going to be sort of a combination of sketch and sitcom--a handful of brief bits strung together by a loose storyline about Alan and I hosting competing parties.
    The first scene is a bit of physical comedy inspired by the layout of Alan’s mother’s house (we both still lived with our parents at the time). She had recently enclosed a deck, meaning that some windows in her living room and Alan’s bedroom now connected to another room instead of leading outside. This amused me for some reason.

(Alan’s kitchen. Bobby is looking outside, assessing the stormy weather.)

BOBBY: Man, it’s coming down out there! I don’t know if I want to drive home in this.

ALAN: You’re welcome to spend the night.

BOBBY: In your tiny room?

ALAN: No, we turned the deck into a sitting room, remember? You can have the whole thing to yourself.

BOBBY: Oh. I guess that would be okay. It is getting pretty late.

ALAN: Alright. Let me get you a blanket.

(Fade to Bobby sleeping in a wicker chair in the sitting room; there’s a small window behind him which is covered by Venetian blinds on the other side. He squirms a little, stretches, yawns, and drowsily stumbles to the door on the other end of the room, which leads into the living room. He tries to open it and it’s locked. Bobby looks at the windows next to the door, a large picture window with smaller windows on either side.)

(Cut to the living room. Bobby emerges from under the Venetian blinds that cover the windows. He walks to the bathroom, enters, closes the door, exits a minute later, and returns to the sitting room via the door.)

(The sitting room. Bobby walks back to his chair, pulls the blanket over himself and settles in. The lights go on in the window behind him, the blinds open and Alan raises the window.)

ALAN: Quick game of HALO?

(Cut to Alan’s bedroom. The bed, which takes up most of the room, sits against the sitting room wall, with the TV on the opposite wall. The wall between them has a second window which leads outside. Zac bursts in through this window.)

ZAC: HALO?!?

BOBBY: (sighs) Pass me a controller.

    The next scene is part of a running gag throughout the episode, in which Alan and I try and force the other one to take a box of Milk Duds neither of us wants. I intended to take it to ludicrous extremes, but never got that far; this initial tradeoff is based directly on reality.

(Alan’s living room, the following morning. Bobby is in his coat, ready to leave.)

BOBBY: Would you hurry up? Everybody’s meeting us to shoot this sketch at noon. They’re going to be there already.

ALAN: Just let me use the bathroom a second and we’ll go.

(Alan enters the bathroom. Bobby discovers a box of Milk Duds in his coat pocket. He yells to Alan:)

BOBBY: Alan, I told you yesterday I didn’t want these Milk Duds. They’re yours.

ALAN: (from bathroom) I had a box at the movies.

BOBBY: It’s not my fault you bought two, and I’m not your garbage disposal.

ALAN: You’ll want them later. Take ‘em.

(Bobby hides the Milk Duds under Alan’s pillow.)

BOBBY: I’ll be outside.

(Alan’s driveway, where Bobby and Alan’s cars are parked next to each other. Bobby is waiting in his car. Alan comes out, gets in his own car, backs out of the driveway, and starts slowly down the road. Bobby backs out and follows Alan, but Alan stops. He gets out of the car and walks back to Bobby’s, handing the Milk Duds through Bobby’s window. Bobby takes them and tosses them on to the driveway before realizing Alan has him beat; the narrow gravel road means Alan can block him in until he takes the candy. Alan picks up the Milk Duds, tucks them under Bobby’s windshield wiper, and returns to his own car.)

   The next scene is extremely “meta”. It involves Bobby and the cast (rounded out by underdeveloped characters Vince and Annie) gathering to film a sketch based on a play Bobby co-wrote in high school…which happens to be about five high schoolers writing a play.

(A high school classroom, or possibly a makeshift set designed to look like one. Five desks are arranged in a circle, facing each other.  Alan, Zac, Vince and Annie are seated; Bobby is standing, passing out scripts.)

ALAN: (Looking over script) Oh no. We’re dusting off the “play within a play” play?

BOBBY: (A bit put out) It’s funny.

ALAN: I’ll take your word for it. Let’s divvy up the parts. I assume you’re playing Bobby.

BOBBY: You know, I’m sick of playing Bobby. I think I’ll play Dan.

VINCE: I call Bobby!

ZAC: Ooh, I want to play Bobby.

BOBBY: No, no, no. Alan has known me the longest, he can do the most accurate portrayal. Zac, you’ll be Rachel, Vince will be Kyle, and Annie will be Hannah. Incidentally, Alan, Bobby is one of the roles that gets to have the script in front of them, which means you’re gonna swing by the costume shop while we rehearse. (Hands Alan a piece of paper) Pick up this stuff for Annie, and anything else you guys might need.

(Alan leaves.)

BOBBY: Hey, are you guys doing anything on Saturday? I’m having an Earth Day party.

ZAC: Isn’t your birthday a couple weeks away?

BOBBY: Not birthday, Earth Day. It’ll be great. We won’t use any electricity and the whole party will be outside.

ANNIE: Wait, this Saturday? Alan’s having a party this Saturday. I already told him I’d come.

BOBBY: Aw, I hate Alan’s parties. He always invites these friends I don’t know, and I end up stuck in awkward conversations with them. 

ANNIE: I know exactly what you mean. I was at one of his parties once, and I spent the whole time listening to this guy talk about his love/hate relationship with Spiderman 2. 

BOBBY: I just don’t understand why he had to take his mask off for everybody. It--Oh. Is that how we met?

ANNIE: What am I doing with my life?

BOBBY: I don’t understand. What is Alan celebrating anyway?

ZAC: Good Saturday.

BOBBY: Good Saturday?

ZAC: It’s the day between Good Friday and Easter.

BOBBY: Vince, at least I can count on you?

VINCE:  (shrugs) I’m kind of psyched about Good Saturday. 

(Fade to the play. The camera angles only show the character that’s speaking at any given time. To play “Dan”, Bobby has combed his hair differently and speaks in a Stallone-like voice. Annie has dressed up as a goth high school student and speaks in a nasally voice. Alan is wearing a top hat and monocle, imitating the Penguin from the 1960s Batman TV show; he‘s periodically shown writing on a paper in front of him while others talk. Zac and Vince haven’t altered their appearances at all.)

BOBBY: I know!  We should have a story about turtles.  “The Twelve Turtles”.  Maybe they should be chocolate turtles, except the conversation makes you think they’re real.  Or, I know--What are those little marshmallow chickens called?

ALAN: Peeps?

(Bobby stumbles over his line a little bit, distracted by Alan’s costume.)

BOBBY: Yeah, peeps.  We’ll do a story about Peeps.

VINCE: Chillin’ with my peeps.  The red one, the blue one, the pink one...

BOBBY: No, we can’t do that.  Where’s the story in food? (to Alan and Annie) Why aren’t you guys coming up with anything?  You’re supposed to be the creative ones.  You had imaginary friends.  I never did.

(Annie, in character, is doodling on scrap paper, never looking up as she talks.)

ANNIE: Yeah.  Mine was this little pirate guy, about this tall (holds hand six inches above desk).  We’d play follow the leader, him and his little maties.

VINCE: How many turtles are there?

BOBBY: Let’s have imaginary friends fighting.  Your pirates and your--(to Alan) what were yours?

ALAN: I don’t know.  Just people.

BOBBY: Hannah’s pirate dude and...Wonder Woman!  Invisible Woman, uh, Cat Woman... 

ZAC: (Annoyed) He sure likes to beat up girls.

BOBBY: What are they fighting over?  Hmm... (Thinks.) Fort Knox! Wait, is there any water by Fort Knox?

ALAN: (laughs in the quack-like manner of the Penguin)

BOBBY: (breaking character) Cut, cut! What is this? I tell you to give an authentic performance as me and you’re doing the Penguin.

ALAN: (stands to leave) I can’t work under these conditions.

BOBBY: Sit down! Take it from your line.

(They get back into character.)

ALAN: (laughs) We should just write down all this stuff we’re saying and call it a play.

BOBBY: Yeah, do it!  (Alan begins writing steadily.) So, is there any water by Fort Knox?

ALAN: Where is Fort Knox?

ZAC: Geez, you call me stupid...

BOBBY: I never called you stupid, stupid!

ZAC: Shut up, stupid!

ANNIE: It’s stupid that you’re talking about calling each other stupid.

BOBBY: I’m going to get a map. (Under his breath as he walks away) Stupid.

ZAC: I heard that!

ANNIE:(to Bobby) What do you have so far?

ALAN: Alright. (Reading rapidly) Dan says  “We should do a story about turtles.  ‘The Twelve Turtles.’  Maybe they should be chocolate turtles, except they make you think they’re real.  Or, I know--What are those marshmallow chickens called.” And then I say “Peeps” and Dan says “Yeah, we’ll do a story about peeps.” Then Kyle says “Yeah, chillin’ with my peeps--  

VINCE: Yeah, hanging with my homies!

ALAN:--“The red one, the blue one, the pink one” and Dan says “We can’t do that.  Where’s the story in food?  Why aren’t you guys writing, you’re the ones with imaginary friends.” And then you say “Mine was a little pirate, about this tall--indicates six inches--We’d play follow the leader, him and his maties.” 

ANNIE: Wow.  You remember a lot.

BOBBY: (Enters) I can’t find Fort Knox.  Let me see that. (Takes Alan’s paper.) Man, you need to write faster. (Gives paper back, looks at Annie’s drawing.) What’s that, a heart with spider legs?

ANNIE: Spider legs?  Those are wings.

BOBBY: No...no, I’m pretty sure those are spider legs.

ZAC: I wish it was the last day of school.  I want to get the hell out of here.

BOBBY: Write that down, that was good.  Rachel says that, and then nobody responds because they’re not listening.

ANNIE: What?

ZAC: No, don’t write that.  We shouldn’t use ‘hell’.

BOBBY: We can put ‘heck’.

ZAC: Okay, put ‘heck’.

BOBBY: No, no, put ‘hell’.  ‘Heck’ doesn’t sound good.

ZAC: Don’t write ‘hell’!

BOBBY: (Looks over Bobby’s shoulder) How far are you now?  Way back there?  You gotta get that pencil working, you’re missing all this stuff.

ALAN: I’ll get it, I’ll get it.

BOBBY: Hey look, the bell’s gonna ring.  Work on that tonight.

(Fade to second scene of play. Alan and Zac sit next to each other, looking at someone off camera, presumably the teacher. )

ANNIE: (offscreen, in her normal voice--she’s playing the teacher instead of Hannah) It’s good, in that you’ve got characters trying to solve a conflict.  But I think you need a better resolution than “The bell’s gonna ring.”

(Alan takes his first draft of the script back from the teacher. Cut to Bobby, who‘s got a band-aid on his nose.)

BOBBY: All right, so are you just going to take notes on what we’re saying again?

ALAN: I guess.

ZAC: (to Bobby) What happened to your nose?

(While Bobby talks, Zac quietly repeats everything he says to Alan, who is writing again.)

BOBBY: Well, yesterday I noticed that I had a pimple starting to form there and tried to pick it off.  But I didn’t want anyone to see me doing that, you know, so I sat like this

(Bobby sits with his hand covering his mouth, as though he’s thinking or about to cough.  Zac mimics this.) All day at the tech center, I’m sitting like this.  (To Alan) You getting all of that?

ALAN: Uh-huh.

BOBBY: Now here it is, our grand design. 

ANNIE: (back in character as Hannah) We go around with my pirate and his maties.

VINCE: Who am I in the story?

BOBBY: You’re Kyle.

VINCE: But what am I in the play?

BOBBY: You play yourself.

VINCE: Oh.  What are you going to be, Dan?

BOBBY: Uh, I want to be the guard at Fort Knox.

ANNIE: We’re not going to Fort Knox anymore, we’re sailing the seven seas!

BOBBY: How about we sail to Fort Knox?

ANNIE: You can’t sail to Fort Knox!

BOBBY: We sail around the world to get there.  From one side of the U.S. to the other.

ANNIE: We’re sailing the seven seas.  End of discussion.

BOBBY: We sail the seven seas looking for Fort Knox because we don’t know where it is.

ANNIE: Isn’t it in Kentucky or something?

ALAN: Wait a minute!  We go from writing a play to sailing the seven seas?

ANNIE: Not us.  The play within the play.

ALAN: Oh!  So the play within the play ends with us sailing the seven seas, which resolves the play itself?

ANNIE: Exactly.

ZAC: Huh?

ALAN: Hey guys, I just had a weird thought.  What if we’re all characters within a play within a play?

ZAC: Stop it, you’re hurting my head!

BOBBY: Like, somebody’s writing about themselves writing about themselves?

ZAC: (Covering ears) La la la la, I am not listening...

ALAN: Yeah.  You think that’s possible?

(Everyone looks around nervously, except Zac, who is still singing.)

BOBBY: Huh. (Pause.) So we’re done?

(Bobby, Hannah, and Kyle all agree as they and Dan exit, leaving Rachel behind.)

ZAC: La la la...(Notices everyone’s gone.)(Shouting after them) Hey!  Wait for me, stupid!

(Fade to Alan and Bobby, alone, getting ready to leave after finishing the play.)

BOBBY: Hey, is there any chance I can get you to cancel this Good Saturday party of yours?

ALAN: Why?

BOBBY: Because I’m also having a party and I’d like to have some guests.

ALAN: How ‘bout this? I’ll postpone my party until yours is over.

BOBBY: What if it goes all night?

ALAN: (laughs) I’ll see you later, man.

(Cut to the intersection of a private gravel road and a public, paved one. A row of mailboxes sits at the end of the gravel. Alan jogs up the road and checks one of the mailboxes. He pulls out the box of Milk Duds, which now has a stamp and address label.)

     The original concept for Bobby’s party was a birthday party for a celebrity that, unsurprisingly, didn’t show up. As I started considering convoluted ways to do the show without a cast, a different concept emerged: a party held by lamplight due to a power outage. The idea was that at any given time there was only one or two characters visible onscreen, and the background was always obscured in darkness. It would have made animation or puppets considerably easier, or eliminated the need for a green screen if I was playing all the parts myself.

(Black screen. There’s rain sound effects. A door bell rings and Bobby enters the shot carrying an oil lamp. There’s just enough light to see that he’s trying to see outside through a storm door.)

BOBBY: Who’s there?

(A lightning flash outside reveals Alan and Zac. Bobby lets them in.) 

ALAN: Wet enough for you?

BOBBY: Shut up. Just because it was supposed to be an outside party doesn’t mean I can’t make it work inside.

ALAN: You’re not actually still doing the no electricity thing?

(Bobby leads them into the kitchen. Only he is visible in the lamplight.)

BOBBY: Oh, no. The power actually went out. Food’s right here, if you’re hungry.

ZAC: Coats?

BOBBY: Second door on the left.

(They stand in silence for a moment before Bobby realizes Zac will need the lamp.)

BOBBY: Oh, right.

(He hands Zac the lamp and Zac walks off with it, leaving Bobby and Alan in the dark. Alan uses a lighter to look over the food.)

ALAN: What is this, pizza? You know I can’t have regular pizza with my gluten allergy.

BOBBY: Yep.

ZAC: (off camera) Ooo!

BOBBY: No, Zac.

(Cut to Zac standing at the door of Bobby’s bedroom, peering in.)

ZAC: Pretty colors.

(Bobby snatches the door shut.)

BOBBY: This is my room, you’re going over there. 

(Zac holds the lamp up to a small sticker on the door that says “THIS WAY FOR FUN”, with an arrow pointing right. The door opens on the left.)

ZAC: But it says “this way for fun”.

BOBBY: No, this way for fun, see?

ZAC: Oh.

(Because Bobby’s door is slightly recessed from the hallway, following the arrow means that Zac repeatedly walks into the wall. Bobby opens the door momentarily so that the arrow leads Zac back into the hall, then shuts it to direct him to the living room.)

   The following charades gag arose at a time when I was going to do the show with puppets, as a self-deprecating joke about the inherent limitations of that approach: puppets generally don’t have fingers, making charades a bit difficult. I altered the gag slightly to make it fit the other approaches; the joke becomes that charades is a bit difficult for Vince, too.

(Fade to Vince in the living room, the oil lamp next to him, holding his hand out in front of him in a game of charades.)

ZAC: Five words.

(Vince shakes his head no.)

ZAC: One word?

(Vince shakes his head again, stomps in frustration, and thrusts his hand forward more violently.)

ZAC: Uh…

VINCE: Crossing guard, you idiot, crossing guard!

ALAN: I hereby declare this party ended.

BOBBY: You can’t do that. We just to need to find something to do. I wish I had planned some indoor activities.

ALAN: Activities? What are we, five?

ANNIE: Bobby, could you show me where the bathroom is?

BOBBY: Of course. Vince, hand me that other lamp over there.

(Vince picks up the oil lamp and uses it to find a second one, which Bobby takes and lights. He and Annie exit.)

(Cut to Bobby and Annie at bathroom door. He hands her the lamp.)

ANNIE: You sure it was a good idea to leave Vince with an oil lamp?

BOBBY: Why? What’s he going to do?

(Cut to an image of the house burning down. Bobby is heard screaming. The camera zooms out to reveal that it‘s actually a miniature house sitting on an end table in the living room.)

BOBBY: My scale model of the house! Can this party get any worse?

ANNIE: There’s a problem with your toilet.

ALAN: Ha!

BOBBY: Ha, nothing. That’s one thing I was prepared for. I’ve got a couple of plumbers on call. Mario, Luigi, you’re up.

(The bathroom. Luigi holds the lamp, inspecting a Venus flytrap in the toilet.)

LUIGI: There’s your problem.

BOBBY: You get that a lot?

LUIGI: Oh, you’d be surprised what people flush down their toilets. Gold coins, flying turtles, sledgehammers…

BOBBY: Flying turtles? Don’t you ever get scared?

MARIO: You ever cleaned a septic tank?

BOBBY: Fair enough.

VINCE: (From living room) Bobby, Bobby, I’ve got it!

(Living room.)

VINCE: I know what we can do in the dark.

BOBBY: I told you, Vince, it’s not that kind of party.

VINCE: No, no. Pin the tail on the donkey. It’s perfect. Just give someone a tack, turn out the lamp and let the fun begin.

BOBBY: Alright, uh, you go ahead and go first.

VINCE: Awesome!

(Someone turns the lamp out and there’s a brief pause.)

ANYONE: Careful, easy…

ZAC: Aah, my Achilles’ eye! (THUD)

(The lamp goes up on Bobby kneeling next to Zac, who’s lying on the floor.)

BOBBY: Zac! Somebody call 911.

MARIO: Don’t bother, I got this. Just leave it to Dr. Mario.

(Mario sets his toolbox on the table and opens it up to reveal it’s full of colorful pills.)

BOBBY: What’s a plumber doing with so many pills?

LUIGI: Hey, bro, we’ve got to head out. Donkey Kong has the princess again.

MARIO: (Shakes head) Silly monkey. (Handing Bobby pills) Just give your friend two of these, three of those, and this one. He’ll be fine. But make sure the like colors touch. They’ll dissolve faster that way.

BOBBY: Uh…okay. (Bobby kneels next to Zac again. He begins dropping the pills into Zac’s mouth.)

ANNIE: Why do Bobby’s parties always end this way?

BOBBY: It’s not over!

   It is over. From here the show would have moved to Alan’s party, where the gags would revolve around the awkward conversations described earlier. Some of them would be funny in and of themselves, while others would lead to cutaway scenes like an episode of Family Guy. Of the bits I remember, my favorites are: a mariachi band called “The Mariachi Banditos” which crashes parties; a bizarre conversation leading to a cutaway of an ostrich racing a moped (which I’d actually animated, but sadly lost); and this scene:

(Bobby sits by a bonfire with Doug, a friend of Alan’s he’s only just met, making small talk.)

DOUG: It’s pretty nice out now that it stopped raining.

BOBBY: Yeah, it’s amazing how fast the weather changes. Have you heard what it’s supposed to do tomorrow?

(Cut to Vince delivering a full report in front of  a weather map. When he’s finished, cut to a wide shot around the bonfire: Bobby and Doug stare at Vince, who’s standing in front of a green screen on a tripod.)

BOBBY: Where did you get that?

(Before Vince can answer, the screen suddenly folds up and is angrily carried  away by a neighbor of Alan’s who was introduced in an earlier scene.)

NEIGHBOR: Stay the hell out of my den!